I went to a family thing today. My mother was hosting a easter dinner with some family and close friends present. As alweays I felt uncomfortable. I didn't even realy get invited, but my sister was visiting from abroad, and I just tagged along with her. I can't realy stand these things. everyone is so fucking polite and civil, it's like you can't have a real conversation with anyone there. Or maybe it's just that no one wants to talk to me about anything that's relevant in my life. It would be a sad conversation anyway.
"So how are you doing?"
"Not so good, still can't sleep nights,I keep waking up from the nighmares that have plagued me for the last twenty years."
"That's not good, how does your mother feel about that."
"Realy don 't know, the bitch abandonded me with some psycho she says is my father 23 years ago, and hasn't realy been able to get over her bad consious."
It's something like this that a conversation would develop into if anyone bothered to realy talk to me, but they don't, so I just sit there and watch the people around me gossip about meaningless shit, untill I can't take it anymore and just leave.
But I still come back, it may take a couple of months or half a year but I always come back. I don 't know what it is that makes me return. All that's there are bad memories and reminders of how my life should have panned out. I think I lull myself into a false hope that things are different. That I will find love from the little family that I still talk to. But everytime my hopes are shatered by the guilt I see in my mothers eyes. I look for affection behind her remorse, but I find none. The fact is, she is not a loving person, and what I am seeking I will never find in her. These are ther cards I have been delt, and i accept them. But I find comfort in the fact that I am a grown man. I am no longer the child that suffers under the indifference and violence of those that were supposed to protect and love me. Today I make my own choices, and who knows, maybe one day I will find what I am looking for. Until next time...With love.