New bike

Bought a new bike today, done with cars and hitchhikking from in the middle of nowhere for a piece of ass. If I can´t ride their on my bike, or take the train, then it isn´t happening. The next six months i don´t need a car anyway. I get around the city easier and faster on a bike, and don´t have to spill my savings on parking. Gone are the days of frustrating parking tickets and expensive mechanic fees, now the only thing i have to worry about is some shithead stealling my wheels.
Things seem as though they are turning. The summer is comming and the heavy clouds of the long winter, seem to be drifting away behind me in the horizon. But let´s see, I have to work the door this the weekend, and hopefully dealing with retards and agressive dumbasses who should have their teeth kicked in, will not spoil my good vibe.

Breakdown

So I went straight from work Saturday morning and drove to see the internet women. Once I had got started I turned on the gps and found out that it was much further than she had told me. “Fuck it” I thought, I was on my way and might as well keep going. I wasn’t even sure if I had enough gas money to get there, but after some quick calculations I figured I was ok. 4 hours later and tired out of my skull I arrived. She was all I expected, but I was just tired. After I came I rolled over and slept for 3 hours, woke up, fucked her again for a good hour, kissed her goodbye and got in my car to drive home. It was all very nice, but way to far to drive. When I had driven for about an hour the car broke down in the middle of the woods on a dark freeway. Typically me to get in situations like this, and all I could do was step outside of myself for a minute and laugh. There I was, midnight in the middle of the woods 300 kilometers from home, car broke down cold as hell and no money. I did the only the only thing one can do in a situation like this and stuck my thumb out and hoped for the best. Ass always things worked out and five hours later I was home. Car was fucked, I was tired and hungry, but at least I got laid.
It’s Sunday now and I’m on my ship writing. I hate Sundays, the loneliness is to apparent, and impossible to hide from. I keep missing the girl that I had to cut out of my life. I miss her and the disappointment of her turning her back on me so easily stings. But I have felt that prick many times before and deal with it well, even though it hurts as bad as the first time. Some things in life make us stronger. Hardships, obstacles that seem impossible to overcome or crisis’s, all help build character and make us better people, able to be empathic towards others, and grow as individuals. But being let down is not character building in any way, it only teaches you not to trust. It may be seem as though I am putting to much emphasis on a woman I only knew for some months, but if my life was a movie, she would have been the one who showed me that you can trust and rely on others, after a lifetime of being let down by those that were supposed to take care of you and give you love. But alas, it’s not a movie, and if it is it doesn’t seem as though I am the director. But who knows, maybe something good is just around the corner for me, until then all I can do is put my head down and keep trudging forward.
Until next time, with love…

Another day another dollar

So I am back to being numb. I am going to work tonight, and for the first since I got back from my trip I am looking forward to it. The sleazy women, the violence and the twisted people I work with and call my friends, all the things that made me cringe inside when I came home, now put a smile on my face. A little more of something inside me has died, but I guess it is nescessary, inabling me to thrive in the inviroment that I inhabit. It´s like being back at the reformatory when I was a child. Even though they beat me, took my freedom, I had a nack of just not caring and smilling back in their faces. They never were able to break me.
But maybe that is what is happening too me now, I am slowly being defeated by turning into what I deep down inside have been trying to run from my whole life. Who knows, all I do know is that I have to leave this work and this enviroment as soon as I have enough money. It’s like a drug and once you get hooked you will always want to come back to it. And believe me I am an addict, I have been fed this shit since I was a child, and what scares the shit out of most people just makes me feel alive. It’s who I am, but I so want to be something else. We will see, as long as I keep my dreams alive and not have to pay the piper for my sins before I move on, then I can live with sometimes missing this life.

Crazy shit

So a woman added me on face book. I met her on some dating site I stumbled across when I was bored. She seemed nice so we started chatting on skype. She had a webcam so that I could see her, I don’t so she could only hear my voice. Now this woman is quite attractive, and very friendly and warm. She lives about a two hour drive from me, so I thought maybe I would go see her some day. Then suddenly the conversation took a turn, and before I knew it, she was shoving her naked ass in the webcam and asking me what I was going to do to her when I came by. Bitch looked good to, nice ass and a cute little shaved pussy. Now don’t get m e wrong, I’m not the internet perv guy, looking for webcam sex, that kind of shit just happens to me, I was just bored chatting on line. It’s not the first time either, I once had a woman add me on face book that I never seen before in my life. She was fine too. Late thirties, mullato, and wealthy. She ended up visiting me for a weekend, fucking my brains out and taking me out to expensive restaurants. Then she wanted me to go on vacation with her, but I just couldn’t do it. I would not have gone if I had to pay for myself, and it just didn’t sit right with me. My friends were pissed, they all wanted me to go and make her buy me a rolex or some shit, but I just couldn’t do it.
It’s strange it’s as though I am either on top of the world and everything just falls in my lap, or nothing works for me at all. I have periods where women shun me like the fucking plague, and others where I go to the store for some juice and I come back with a model. It’s like a blessing and a curse all mixed in one, blending from one to the other. Whatever it is, I’m going to enjoy it when the world smiles at me, because it sure as fuck sucks when the dark clouds come rolling across the horizon. Therefore after work this weekend I am going to drive down to see this woman, take a viagara and fuck her brains out.
Until next time, with love…

Cut the chord

So I ended it, bitch was making me loose my self respect, and you should never give them that. Short mail to the poin t. No swearing, no m ail calling, just a "if you ever want to chat again, give me a call, it was fun." If they push you far enough they make you grovel. And if you grovel you loose everything. Women don't like a man that grovels, don't get me wrong, they love it when a man grovels for them, bitches love that shit, but they loose respect for you, and when they do that you have no power. Besides that you loose respect for yourself, and then what do you have left.So I did what I had to, I pulled the plug.
Soon as I did it's as though shit turned. first I got a nice piece of ass from a cornfed horny country chick, who loved sucking cock, folowed by a call from a beautifull model chick I know, who ended up buying me drinks all night and telling me how beautifull she thought I was. Doesn't get much better than that, and imagine after 3 months of me moping around pulling my own dick, depressed over some chick who at the end of the day apparently didn't give a shit. I guess it's like the man says, keep your powder dry and your pecker hard, and the world will turn your way.
untill next time....with love.

I took a walk today. I was desperate to just talk to someone, but I ended up in a cafe, drinking my coffee alone, studying the people surounding me, while in my head I played out conversations that I would like to have, with people that weren't there. Am I loosing my mind? I don 't know. Maybe there is some wisdom and insight in insanity. Maybe we are the ones that are crazy, a forced madness that enables us to deal with the chaos without snapping, and the nuts actually get it, they just can't handle it. Nothing more today, no one is reading anyway.
With love...

heartbroken

I think I have to pull the plug. I see no other option. She turned her back on me, I realize that now. Her promises of a future together, echo against the silence of her lack of trying to stay connected with me. I inspired her in our short time together, but when she no longer needed me, she turned her back and walked away. That hits a guy like me hard. She filled my head with dreams of a future, one that I have always wanted. But reality has shown its face, and it doesn’t match the dream.
We were going to travel the world, support each other and build the dreams that we both have. We could have, at least I know I could. But after I left, she soon stopped answering my calls or responding to my mails. I was naive I guess, but I only believed what she told me. That she wanted a future with me, and that she wouldn’t allow us to loose touch, and most of all that she had never connected with anyone like she had with me in our short time together. But these words sound hollow now, when I look at the mails she sent me. Action speaks louder than words, and in this regard I get only silence from her. I don’t believe she will ever come visit me like she said. I have to try and accept that she is gone.
These things seem to hit me harder the older I get. I remember back at the reformatory I was locked up in when I was a child. No one cared about me, the only person I had was myself. The loneliness was sometimes overwhelming, and there was no comfort to be found. I was surrounded by people who would grow up to be either sociopaths, junkies or dead. I got through it, even though it was the hardest period of my life. And I did so without tears or showing my weakness. Now it seems as though I have gone soft. I sometimes cry myself to sleep, all the pain, loss, and disappointments of my life once again coming to life, just because one woman I fell in love with, turned her back on me. Everyone who has ever stood close to me in my life has turned their back on me. My mother, my father, and every woman I have had a relationship with. I should be used to it, and just shrug it of. But I have realized that being abandoned doesn’t make you stronger, just the opposite, it chips away at you, a little piece at a time, until there is no strength left. It teaches you that you can not trust, should not love, and not to let anyone in. I met this woman at the wrong time, at a point where I needed someone to show me that not everyone turns there back on me without hesitation. But it seems that she has shown me the opposite.
Done is done. I will try to hold on to the little faith that I still have, and be open to the opportunity that I may meet someone that will not let me down, at least not without good reason. The point is I would never turn my back on someone like she did, not after speaking all those words of love and promises of the future. It’s just not in my nature.
Enough of the pathetic rambling of a broken hearted idiot. It sucks, but life goes on. Until next time.
With love… .

I went to a family thing today. My mother was hosting a easter dinner with some family and close friends present. As alweays I felt uncomfortable. I didn't even realy get invited, but my sister was visiting from abroad, and I just tagged along with her. I can't realy stand these things. everyone is so fucking polite and civil, it's like you can't have a real conversation with anyone there. Or maybe it's just that no one wants to talk to me about anything that's relevant in my life. It would be a sad conversation anyway.
"So how are you doing?"
"Not so good, still can't sleep nights,I keep waking up from the nighmares that have plagued me for the last twenty years."
"That's not good, how does your mother feel about that."
"Realy don 't know, the bitch abandonded me with some psycho she says is my father 23 years ago, and hasn't realy been able to get over her bad consious."
It's something like this that a conversation would develop into if anyone bothered to realy talk to me, but they don't, so I just sit there and watch the people around me gossip about meaningless shit, untill I can't take it anymore and just leave.
But I still come back, it may take a couple of months or half a year but I always come back. I don 't know what it is that makes me return. All that's there are bad memories and reminders of how my life should have panned out. I think I lull myself into a false hope that things are different. That I will find love from the little family that I still talk to. But everytime my hopes are shatered by the guilt I see in my mothers eyes. I look for affection behind her remorse, but I find none. The fact is, she is not a loving person, and what I am seeking I will never find in her. These are ther cards I have been delt, and i accept them. But I find comfort in the fact that I am a grown man. I am no longer the child that suffers under the indifference and violence of those that were supposed to protect and love me. Today I make my own choices, and who knows, maybe one day I will find what I am looking for. Until next time...With love.

I live on a ship. My plan is to one day just cast of, sail out into the world and never look back. There is not much keeping me here, and I think that sson it is time to move on. All I need is some cash to sink into the ship, and a little in my pocket, and I'm gone.
When I first got the ship I was engaged, unfortunately to the wrong woman. my plan was to sail around the world with her and make some babys on the way. Pretty good plan if you ask me, apart from the fact that it was the wrong woman. Who knows, maybe I will meet someone else instead, and if not I will go it alone.
I actually did meet someone a couple of months ago. I had had enough and needed to get away, so that's what I did. With only a couple of hundred bucks in my pocket i went to an island in the caribean, where a friend of a friend had a empty apartment i could stay. The first night there i met a beautiful american woman that I ended up spending the next 5 weeks with. For the first time in my life I actually met someone who got me, I meen realy understood me and liked me for what I am. When I left she vowed to come visit me, and the first month that I was home, we talked on the phone everyday. We talked about a potential future together and how many kids we should have and which country we wanted to live in. But alas, she never came, I guess something got in the way. I still get a mail from her about once a week, but i feel that she is fading, and the same must be happening for her. I still hope that she will visit, or ask me to come and see her, but I doubt that I will ever see her again. I have been heart broken before and I know that I will get over it, I just wish the connection that we had would have been allowed to flurish. Who knows maybe it will, only time holds the answer. For this time...with love.

Tired

I worked a long shift last night. 14 hours of techno hell, from 5 in the aftrenoon til 7 the next morning. I need the money, but man this shit is killing something inside me. I'm 35 and still my main income comes from bouncing. I want to say goodbye to that world, but it's not easy when that's all I know. The guys I worked with last night are old school, been doing it longer than me, and will probably never get away from the enviroment that they inhabit. I don't want to end up where they are, that's my biggest fear, and one that is very relevant. Don't get me wrong, these guys are my friends, some of them have put there lives on the line for me, only asking my loyalty in return, but they are lost. There is no empathy left in them, and if your not within their little circle, you may as well not exist. They would just as easily kick your teath in, as shake your hand. So why am i friends with guys like this? Like i said before, some of them have put their own lives on the line for me in the past, and in my world that's love. The closest i have ever come to it anyway.
Don't get me wrong, I'm noy trying to glamorize anything here. Alot of the people around me are mostly full of shit. They talk a big game, but all they think about at the end is themselves. People are always trying to take advantage of anyone who shows the least sign of weakness, taking your money, your women, or just making them selves look cool at your expence. It's an environment full of shitty people, but among them are a few with heart and integrity, even though it may be somewhat warped in the general publics eye. The few that are close to me all belong to that category.
This is my first attempt at blogging, so I have no idea if I am doing it right. I have no idea if anyone will read it anyway. Anyway untill next time, with love.