Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Fucked

"Is the glass half full or half empty?"
"You don´t understand.....it doesn´t matter... the glass is fucked."

I grew up with my father, he was everything to me. For me, the world revolved around him. It was just me and him against the world, and I think I was happy, content with the fact that I was loved and that my father would always be there for me. When I was 9 he met a woman and got married. When I was 12 she got pregnant. Shortly after my father told me that I wasn´t his child, disowned me and never really wanted anything to do with me from that day on. I spent he next 6 years in reformatories, until at 18 I was released into my own custody.
I will carry that shit with me for the rest of my life. I a smart enough to realize why I think and feel like I do, I am just unable to fix it. I have no trust in others, life has repeatedly taught me this hard lesson , so I have learned to get by alone. I sit and watch the rest of you curiously, puzzled at what goes on between you. Maybe I will never know.
Until next time…with love…

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

New bike

Bought a new bike today, done with cars and hitchhikking from in the middle of nowhere for a piece of ass. If I can´t ride their on my bike, or take the train, then it isn´t happening. The next six months i don´t need a car anyway. I get around the city easier and faster on a bike, and don´t have to spill my savings on parking. Gone are the days of frustrating parking tickets and expensive mechanic fees, now the only thing i have to worry about is some shithead stealling my wheels.
Things seem as though they are turning. The summer is comming and the heavy clouds of the long winter, seem to be drifting away behind me in the horizon. But let´s see, I have to work the door this the weekend, and hopefully dealing with retards and agressive dumbasses who should have their teeth kicked in, will not spoil my good vibe.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Breakdown

So I went straight from work Saturday morning and drove to see the internet women. Once I had got started I turned on the gps and found out that it was much further than she had told me. “Fuck it” I thought, I was on my way and might as well keep going. I wasn’t even sure if I had enough gas money to get there, but after some quick calculations I figured I was ok. 4 hours later and tired out of my skull I arrived. She was all I expected, but I was just tired. After I came I rolled over and slept for 3 hours, woke up, fucked her again for a good hour, kissed her goodbye and got in my car to drive home. It was all very nice, but way to far to drive. When I had driven for about an hour the car broke down in the middle of the woods on a dark freeway. Typically me to get in situations like this, and all I could do was step outside of myself for a minute and laugh. There I was, midnight in the middle of the woods 300 kilometers from home, car broke down cold as hell and no money. I did the only the only thing one can do in a situation like this and stuck my thumb out and hoped for the best. Ass always things worked out and five hours later I was home. Car was fucked, I was tired and hungry, but at least I got laid.
It’s Sunday now and I’m on my ship writing. I hate Sundays, the loneliness is to apparent, and impossible to hide from. I keep missing the girl that I had to cut out of my life. I miss her and the disappointment of her turning her back on me so easily stings. But I have felt that prick many times before and deal with it well, even though it hurts as bad as the first time. Some things in life make us stronger. Hardships, obstacles that seem impossible to overcome or crisis’s, all help build character and make us better people, able to be empathic towards others, and grow as individuals. But being let down is not character building in any way, it only teaches you not to trust. It may be seem as though I am putting to much emphasis on a woman I only knew for some months, but if my life was a movie, she would have been the one who showed me that you can trust and rely on others, after a lifetime of being let down by those that were supposed to take care of you and give you love. But alas, it’s not a movie, and if it is it doesn’t seem as though I am the director. But who knows, maybe something good is just around the corner for me, until then all I can do is put my head down and keep trudging forward.
Until next time, with love…

Friday, April 23, 2010

Another day another dollar

So I am back to being numb. I am going to work tonight, and for the first since I got back from my trip I am looking forward to it. The sleazy women, the violence and the twisted people I work with and call my friends, all the things that made me cringe inside when I came home, now put a smile on my face. A little more of something inside me has died, but I guess it is nescessary, inabling me to thrive in the inviroment that I inhabit. It´s like being back at the reformatory when I was a child. Even though they beat me, took my freedom, I had a nack of just not caring and smilling back in their faces. They never were able to break me.
But maybe that is what is happening too me now, I am slowly being defeated by turning into what I deep down inside have been trying to run from my whole life. Who knows, all I do know is that I have to leave this work and this enviroment as soon as I have enough money. It’s like a drug and once you get hooked you will always want to come back to it. And believe me I am an addict, I have been fed this shit since I was a child, and what scares the shit out of most people just makes me feel alive. It’s who I am, but I so want to be something else. We will see, as long as I keep my dreams alive and not have to pay the piper for my sins before I move on, then I can live with sometimes missing this life.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Crazy shit

So a woman added me on face book. I met her on some dating site I stumbled across when I was bored. She seemed nice so we started chatting on skype. She had a webcam so that I could see her, I don’t so she could only hear my voice. Now this woman is quite attractive, and very friendly and warm. She lives about a two hour drive from me, so I thought maybe I would go see her some day. Then suddenly the conversation took a turn, and before I knew it, she was shoving her naked ass in the webcam and asking me what I was going to do to her when I came by. Bitch looked good to, nice ass and a cute little shaved pussy. Now don’t get m e wrong, I’m not the internet perv guy, looking for webcam sex, that kind of shit just happens to me, I was just bored chatting on line. It’s not the first time either, I once had a woman add me on face book that I never seen before in my life. She was fine too. Late thirties, mullato, and wealthy. She ended up visiting me for a weekend, fucking my brains out and taking me out to expensive restaurants. Then she wanted me to go on vacation with her, but I just couldn’t do it. I would not have gone if I had to pay for myself, and it just didn’t sit right with me. My friends were pissed, they all wanted me to go and make her buy me a rolex or some shit, but I just couldn’t do it.
It’s strange it’s as though I am either on top of the world and everything just falls in my lap, or nothing works for me at all. I have periods where women shun me like the fucking plague, and others where I go to the store for some juice and I come back with a model. It’s like a blessing and a curse all mixed in one, blending from one to the other. Whatever it is, I’m going to enjoy it when the world smiles at me, because it sure as fuck sucks when the dark clouds come rolling across the horizon. Therefore after work this weekend I am going to drive down to see this woman, take a viagara and fuck her brains out.
Until next time, with love…

Monday, April 12, 2010

Cut the chord

So I ended it, bitch was making me loose my self respect, and you should never give them that. Short mail to the poin t. No swearing, no m ail calling, just a "if you ever want to chat again, give me a call, it was fun." If they push you far enough they make you grovel. And if you grovel you loose everything. Women don't like a man that grovels, don't get me wrong, they love it when a man grovels for them, bitches love that shit, but they loose respect for you, and when they do that you have no power. Besides that you loose respect for yourself, and then what do you have left.So I did what I had to, I pulled the plug.
Soon as I did it's as though shit turned. first I got a nice piece of ass from a cornfed horny country chick, who loved sucking cock, folowed by a call from a beautifull model chick I know, who ended up buying me drinks all night and telling me how beautifull she thought I was. Doesn't get much better than that, and imagine after 3 months of me moping around pulling my own dick, depressed over some chick who at the end of the day apparently didn't give a shit. I guess it's like the man says, keep your powder dry and your pecker hard, and the world will turn your way.
untill next time....with love.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

I took a walk today. I was desperate to just talk to someone, but I ended up in a cafe, drinking my coffee alone, studying the people surounding me, while in my head I played out conversations that I would like to have, with people that weren't there. Am I loosing my mind? I don 't know. Maybe there is some wisdom and insight in insanity. Maybe we are the ones that are crazy, a forced madness that enables us to deal with the chaos without snapping, and the nuts actually get it, they just can't handle it. Nothing more today, no one is reading anyway.
With love...