Another day another dollar

So I am back to being numb. I am going to work tonight, and for the first since I got back from my trip I am looking forward to it. The sleazy women, the violence and the twisted people I work with and call my friends, all the things that made me cringe inside when I came home, now put a smile on my face. A little more of something inside me has died, but I guess it is nescessary, inabling me to thrive in the inviroment that I inhabit. It´s like being back at the reformatory when I was a child. Even though they beat me, took my freedom, I had a nack of just not caring and smilling back in their faces. They never were able to break me.
But maybe that is what is happening too me now, I am slowly being defeated by turning into what I deep down inside have been trying to run from my whole life. Who knows, all I do know is that I have to leave this work and this enviroment as soon as I have enough money. It’s like a drug and once you get hooked you will always want to come back to it. And believe me I am an addict, I have been fed this shit since I was a child, and what scares the shit out of most people just makes me feel alive. It’s who I am, but I so want to be something else. We will see, as long as I keep my dreams alive and not have to pay the piper for my sins before I move on, then I can live with sometimes missing this life.